I'm Going To Be Your Ghost
by words end here
Summary: So Alison did take Emily to that rock. Once. Emily/Alison oneshot. Pre-pilot.


**A/N: **The chemistry is off the scale with these two, seriously. Even knowing that they're doomed and so far away from being 'meant-to-be' as it gets, I can't help but ship them. This is set pre-pilot and pre-Jenna thing. By the way, can I just say I have no friggin' idea how old these girls are? I'm assuming they're sixteen at this point in the show? It's kind of inconvenient so if anyone knows for definite, let me know. I'm presuming they're sixteen because Spencer was driving in an episode. How much do I want your feedback? A LOT. (By the way, I took this down and re-posted because I wrote it very quickly and noticed some grammar fails, so I had to correct that.)

* * *

Never let a woman go even when you know  
She can always be replaced, she can always be replaced  
Oh lust only grows like anger and revenge  
Oh beauty comes and goes  
But love stays until the end

- King Charles, _Love Lust_

_

* * *

_

They play by the rulebook that Alison wrote for them since they were thirteen.

There are times when they feel like rebelling, putting Ali in her place, as it were – but then that was just another factor determined by Alison herself.

Emily sees Hanna feeling it the most often; the glint she gets in her eyes when Ali deems her _hefty-Hanna _for the hundredth time, at the beach when Ali is mocking that weirdo and when Ali insists that Hanna doesn't buy that dress. _When you dress for your size, Hanna, you feel and look better. _

Only a little ironic then, that Hanna's 'size' is the source of why Hanna rarely feels better at all.

It's why they work; Hanna has a pleasing nature and she's waiting for the day when she'll gain Ali's alluding approval.

Emily watches Spencer, being not just smart about the situation but being _Spencer _smart about it. She rarely challenges Ali directly, knowing that there was no winning anyway. Aria takes a similar approach, giggling when Ali chastises another victim, agreeing profusely when Ali's busy evaluating what everyone's wearing that day with a critical glare and a flick of her hair and only looking the other way when Ali commands her.

Funny, how everywhere they look they see Alison anyway.

And it's quite clear who's still doing the commanding.

No-one is truly appointed the Queen; the role is there for the taking. And Alison likes to take.

Wild blonde curls were a crown all of their own anyway, Emily thinks.

* * *

Hanna and Ali work because it's a relationship between a mentor and a student.

Ali, Aria and Spencer function because one has something the other can avail of; Aria is the only one of them who can truly conceal secrets, Ali thinks, and Spencer's good in a crisis. In return the later two girls get the protection that comes with being best friends of someone who can break you with a _look _and make you with a compliment.

Emily can't define her friendship with Alison, She can't. It's an easy friendship that becomes a complicated crush and it gets to the point, in which Emily starts considering Ali her first love, and it stays empty – it's just potential, and if potential isn't fulfilled then what are they?

It's indefinable.

And then it becomes simplistic once Alison realises that Emily's eyes linger on her bikini-clad body for an extra four seconds, that Emily starts _blushing _when their hands awkwardly bump together when they're walking.

Before she realises the power this gives her, it leaves Ali somewhat confused for a short while. She doesn't know what's shifted except Emily's eyes. When the summer passes and they're going back to school and nothing between them has really changed, Ali starts thinking that maybe her heart has shifted slightly too.

By the time Spencer's sixteenth birthday rolls around, _slightly _isn't a part of them anymore.

The affair isn't spectacular (_We already know who's having the party of the year, _Spencer dismisses). It's the five of them going to dinner, it's Aria liking Noel and Hanna continually gushing about how her and Sean will never happen and Emily having to hear about it when the real _never gonna happen _is sitting opposite her, licking her lips and raising her eyebrows and being adorable and open in a way that only the four of them ever witness, but only Emily really sees.

When they return to Spencer's parent-vacant house Ali jibes, "Is Melissa another step closer to presidency?" Spencer mutters something nondescript in response – the bitter tone of it says enough and a strange occurrence happens. Instead of calling everyone they know, blasting music loud enough to warrant some police-calls from neighbours, they end up feeling about twelve years old playing truth or dare.

Spencer's face is in her palm when Ali suggests it; "Everyone ends up running around naked in the end_."_And Aria laughs richly because it's true and Emily's eyes meet Ali's and they pretend that they're not stripped inside.

"Well_," _Ali begins haughtily, "I'm sure we won't be blinded."

They raid what they can of Spencer's dad's liquor cabinet and they end up hating scotch but drinking it because it's there and by the time they've revealed four 'truths' that maybe Aria or Emily didn't know of but Ali did, (as she always does) and Emily thinks her heard that all wrong because Ali just strung a sentence together consisting of _kiss _and _me _and _Emily._

Emily blurts out some scotch; there's no laughter but there's shock and now her cheeks are heating up and she asks breathily, "What?"

"Thirty seconds, let's go. I'm sure Ben will appreciate the practice." Ali replies, her tone sliding from authoritative to wavering whenever Emily's sort-of boyfriend is brought up.

Ali makes no effort to edge closer to Emily, and the other girls gaze flicker between one another before it settles on Ali and Emily and there's something so charged about the situation that Aria feels like she's almost intruding on a moment Ali's dismissing as _nothing_ but is so obviously _something. _

By the time Emily's stomach has flipped more times than she could have ever hoped to keep count of, she finally asks with a coy smile, "You're not serious...?"

They can't deduce if it's a statement or a question. It's both.

Emily knew. She knew Ali and she knew Ali was straight. It was a simple fact that went unquestioned, undisputed. Ali, being Queen Bee and all, had her servant bees out side of her four best friends. Guys enjoyed how _in charge _Ali was in how she went about things, it was her attitude in all areas of her life. Emily knew that Ali knew about the power she held over Emily; sometimes she handled it delicately – knowing that Emily liked her more than she should, at times, she used it to her full advantage. In a war, a Queen has to use every weapon she can.

Emily just doesn't know what Ali is fighting for, when she knows she has control over them anyhow. Specifically _her._

"Of course not." Ali replies slowly, deliberately. "Well," she sighs dramatically, "apparently no-one is universally attractive after all then." Emily gives that remark the eye-roll it deserves and Spencer bursts into wicked giggles; Aria and Ali quickly follow.

There's something sympathetic in how Hanna is looking at Emily, and she offers the brunette a small smile before retreating to the bathroom to throw up dinner.

Emily gives her five minutes before she decides to intervene – none of them bother to gauge how long Hanna's spending in the bathroom.

Emily knocks on the bathroom door. "Hanna?"

She slides against the wall waiting for a few minutes before the door slowly cracks open.

"Are you okay?" Emily asks, standing up.

Hanna smiles, but it's not exuberant – it's the smile of a fighter who's maybe tiring of the fight. Emily knows what it looks like.

"What Ali was doing back there really freaked you out. I _saw_ your face," she adds with a real smile before Emily begins to protest, "but you know her. You know not to take her too seriously, right?"

"Yeah. Don't you forget it, either." Emily replies softly.

"It's hard, isn't it? With her sometimes. I mean, we love each other but its...different. She treats you differently." Hanna suddenly stops, eyeing Emily.

"How?"

"She doesn't have anything to hold against you. I mean, Spencer's too smart to put herself at a disadvantage, she knows how Aria feels about Noel and I'm fat –

Emily reaches out to grab Hanna's arms and she rubs them. _"Hanna. _Really? Seriously?"

"But you're her equal. Kind of. Not completely, but kind of." Hanna continues.

Of course, it could never be completely.

Emily can't summon the energy to prove Hanna wrong. She's glad that Aria, Spencer and Hanna don't notice that Ali is Emily's first crush, person, whatever. Just don't call it love. Because if it's love it's intense and it's confliction and it's crazy.

It's how Emily feels about Ali right now, knowing that red lip-gloss and scotch and Spencer's birthday party was maybe as close she was going to get and she wasn't brave enough for a stupid dare. As if Ali hadn't been daring Emily since day one; looped arms walking down the corridors and snide remarks.

Emily and Hanna stand there for a while and she lets what Hanna has said sink in. They all reek of scotch and they know Mr and Mrs Hastings will probably notice, but at this point they're too intoxicated to care.

"You're drunk." Emily declares triumphantly.

"Right." Hanna says. "We're all drunk."

* * *

Emily and Ali are stuck on Spencer's leather couch, still in her living room when the other girls, dressed in their pyjamas, hair tied up and popcorn made tell them to get upstairs but they stay down for a few minutes longer, not really talking about anything of substance, until Ali demands that they do.

"Who is it?" She asks and Emily raises an eyebrow, "the person who makes you not want to pounce on me anymore?"

Emily is silenced brutally, before Alison gives her a look and she says "There is no person."

_There's only you._

Alison frowns before letting herself slip – a rare occurrence – "Do you remember when...last summer, when we were hanging out at the park, just us five?"

Emily remembers. "We hang out a lot at the park during summer, Ali." She smiles warmly, hoping that maybe it lets Ali know that it's okay to let her guard down.

But there were four other friends and four years they'd known each other and Emily can't say she's ever cracked a brick in her walls.

Ali strokes a curl behind her ear, and Emily can't say she's ever seen Ali so not Ali, so not composed, so not poised. She's _fidgeting. _

"The way that you were looking at me," Ali says it like it's a confession, like she's revealing a dangerous secret, "it was...different. You were looking at me and you wanted me."

Emily's always known that Ali's known for some time now. But there are rules. One of them is if Ali doesn't bring it up, you don't talk about it. You don't acknowledge it. If you let your game slip, she'll exploit your mistake.

Strange then, that Ali's letting herself slide for Emily.

"I was." Emily says, feeling like she's choking. _I still do. _"And you were looking back."

Emily walks away but leaves her heart and she pretends she doesn't hear Ali call her name as she retreats to Spencer's bedroom with the rest of the girls. They're watching Mean Girls for the thousandth time.

Some effects don't erode easily.

It's a lesson Emily learns the same night when she feels Ali crawl beside her and they wake up with their legs entwined and pretend that it doesn't mean anything else is bound.

* * *

Ali is a firecracker. People watch her shimmer and sparkle and party and rule and they don't change it because she does it so well.

There's also the silent undisputed fact that if you get to close she'll treat you in a way that's designed to make you burn.

* * *

The day after Spencer's party they depart separately home.

Except that evening Ali's out of Emily's head and appears in her driveway.

Ali texts Emily who's looking down at her car from her bedroom window. It's random, it's spontaneous, it's Ali doing whatever she wants because she can.

"I've got homework." Emily informs her sharply when Ali rolls down her windows.

"And you've got me in your driveway." Ali says mischievously.

"Where are we going?" Emily asks, bewildered.

"I'm surprising you. Let's go." Ali beams, and maybe if she wasn't smiling Emily could have been stern.

Maybe if Ali wasn't Ali and Emily could crush her stupid crush that fine well knows their circumstances will never permit.

When things are doomed, people try to either flee from them or fix them. Emily was doing the running (ever the Queen of self-denial) and Ali, in her own warped way, is trying to fix them.

She glances over at Emily in her passenger seat when her heart does that funny double-beat thing and thinks that maybe there's no shifting back.

Their drive is tense until Emily switches the radio station and Ali slaps her friend's wrist, "Em, my car, my music."

_Your friends, your rules, _Emily thinks fleetingly, feeling her lips tug upwards in a smile. "You're so random, you do know that?"

"Whatever. Don't pretend you don't love it."

And so Emily doesn't.

Ali pulls up as close as she can get to the park and leads Emily through it; darkness has yet to catch them; they're in the twilight and Emily feels something like fear. She thinks of how her blond hair is the closest thing she has to light right now and she doesn't know where she's leading her, but Emily has always followed.

"You're not taking me to that rock," Emily says defiantly.

"Except I am." Ali replies calmly. She turns around and faces her friend and Emily feels like slapping her. Like pulling her pretty blond curls out and leaving her alone.

"What are you doing?" Emily's voice is cracking and it's not from a hangover.

"I'm...I'm _trying _Emily. I'm trying to –

"Okay, so you know I like you. A _lot. _More than what's appropriate." Emily feels like crying, throwing up and running all at once, "Isn't that enough? I was looking at you like I wanted you but I know you don't want me back," and that's when the realisation takes her over, really sets in, "and I don't expect you to. I love you anyway. You're my friend Alison. Stop punishing me."

"Don't say that. Em, I don't want to punish you. I _don't. _But we're here and -"

"What do you want? I'm doing what you want. I'm pretending that I don't want you. I'm playing your game."

"This isn't a game, Em." Ali replies in a tone Emily didn't think Ali possessed. It's so earnest.

"You do whatever you want whenever you want. So what do you want? Do want everyone else to know to? Just another person in love with Alison Delaurentis?"

"I want you," and Ali approaches her slowly, almost failing to conceal her nerves, "to learn that it's okay to take a risk." Ali takes Emily's wrist; differently to how they loosely find their way to each other when they're at someone's party. She looks down at their hands. "So take a risk, for what you want."

Emily shakes her head, pondering if she'll ever forgive Ali for this (of course, she will), "It's not what you want."

"Don't tell me what I want." Alison says seriously. "It could be."

Emily loosens Ali's grip (it will be the only time she ever does) before Ali catches up and seizes her hand again and pulls her into a messy, perfect kiss, sets her on fire in a way that she knows all the kisses after this won't.

As if she could be anything else.

When they pull away, Ali smirks, playful and serious somehow at once. She bits her lip before Emily decides that maybe tonight; it's okay to kiss her smirk away and rip up the rules.

* * *

They have their boys after that. They don't discuss it. With boys it's relatively simple; it wouldn't be if they allowed themselves to fall.

Emily already had, and Ali had failed to catch her.

* * *

The next girl to make Emily feel makes her relaxed, comfortable.

Hearts don't race ferociously. Slowly they find that there's no need to hide. It's not forbidden, and Emily knows this won't leave any scars.

There's a first kiss, the make-outs in between and the last kiss, not just _the kiss _that feels like you're being blinded and awoken.

And Emily hopes without remorse that she's disappointing Ali's ghost.

Hanna was right, Emily thinks. She was the closest they had to Ali's kind-of-sort-of-maybe equal.

* * *

Maybe it's not _always, _in the way Ali said the five of them would be.

Yet somehow, it still is. They're endless.

With hindsight, Emily knows they were about giving and taking. Simplicity within a hell of a lot of complexity.

And Emily knows that if Ali was to pull up in driveway any day, that she would be willing to give as long as Ali was willing to take.


End file.
